We’ve all been there. That moment when you’ve got a good thing going, and suddenly, you find yourself pushing it away. Maybe you pick a fight over something trivial, or you start distancing yourself emotionally, despite wanting connection. Relationship sabotage is more common than you think, and the worst part? We often don’t realize we’re doing it.
The truth is, many of us self-sabotage in relationships, not because we’re bad people, but because we’re protecting ourselves from something deeper—fear, insecurity, or old wounds. But the good news is, with awareness and the right strategies, you can break the cycle of self-sabotage and build healthier, more fulfilling relationships.
What is Relationship Sabotage?
Relationship sabotage refers to any behavior or thought pattern that unconsciously or consciously undermines the success of a relationship. Often, these behaviors come from deep-seated fears, attachment issues, or past traumas. They manifest in ways like picking fights, withdrawing emotionally, or even cheating—anything to distance ourselves from vulnerability (Brown, 2012).
But here’s the kicker: relationship sabotage doesn’t only happen in romantic relationships. It can occur in friendships, family dynamics, or even at work. And while it may feel like self-protection in the moment, relationship sabotage keeps us stuck in unhealthy cycles and prevents real connection (Hendrix, 1988).
Common Self-Sabotaging Behaviors in Relationships
Recognizing self-sabotaging behaviors is the first step toward breaking the cycle. Here are some common ways people sabotage their relationships:
Picking Fights Over Small Issues: You start a fight over your partner forgetting to take out the trash, but deep down, it’s not really about the trash, is it? You might be feeling insecure or unappreciated, and rather than addressing the real issue, you pick a surface-level fight.
Avoiding Emotional Intimacy: Do you find yourself pulling away when things get too close? Avoiding deep conversations, keeping your guard up, or steering clear of vulnerability are classic signs of emotional sabotage (Feeney & Noller, 1996).
Procrastinating Commitment: Ever feel like you’re on the brink of a big step in your relationship, and suddenly, you start questioning everything? The fear of commitment often leads to delaying important decisions like moving in together, marriage, or even saying “I love you.”
Testing Your Partner’s Love: Ever throw out a “Do you really love me?” even when you know the answer? This behavior stems from insecurity and fear of rejection, where you’re constantly seeking reassurance but end up pushing your partner away (Shaver & Mikulincer, 2002).
These behaviors are often subtle, but they can cause significant damage over time. The key is to uncover the underlying reasons behind them.
The Role of Attachment Styles in Relationship Sabotage
Attachment theory, originally developed by psychologist John Bowlby (1969), explains how our early relationships with caregivers shape how we relate to others as adults. These attachment styles play a significant role in relationship sabotage.
There are three primary attachment styles: secure, anxious, and avoidant. People with secure attachment tend to build healthy relationships, while those with anxious or avoidant attachment are more prone to self-sabotage (Hazan & Shaver, 1987).
Anxious Attachment: If you have an anxious attachment style, you might fear abandonment and crave constant reassurance. This can lead to behaviors like clinginess, jealousy, or picking fights to test your partner’s commitment. Ironically, these behaviors can drive your partner away, reinforcing your fear of abandonment. Classic self-sabotage.
Avoidant Attachment: People with avoidant attachment often fear intimacy and vulnerability. They may sabotage their relationships by emotionally withdrawing or distancing themselves, avoiding commitment, or shutting down when things get too close. This is a defense mechanism to protect themselves from perceived emotional danger (Bartholomew & Horowitz, 1991).
Understanding your attachment style can help you identify why you might be sabotaging your relationships and what you can do to change these patterns.
How Fear of Intimacy and Vulnerability Drives Sabotage
At the heart of most relationship sabotage is fear—specifically, fear of intimacy and vulnerability. Let’s face it: getting close to someone means letting your guard down, and for many, that’s terrifying.
Dr. Brené Brown, a leading researcher on vulnerability, argues that vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, and joy. But it’s also the source of fear and uncertainty. Many of us sabotage relationships to avoid the emotional risks that come with vulnerability. We’d rather push people away than face the fear of rejection, abandonment, or disappointment (Brown, 2012).
This fear of intimacy might cause you to build walls, push people away, or even sabotage a perfectly good relationship. The trick is to realize that vulnerability isn’t a weakness—it’s a strength that allows for deeper connection.
5 Practical Steps to Break the Cycle of Relationship Sabotage
Breaking the cycle of relationship sabotage requires self-awareness, healing, and intentional action. Here are five practical steps to help you move from self-sabotage to building healthy, fulfilling relationships.
1. Increase Self-Awareness
Self-awareness is the foundation of change. You can’t stop sabotaging your relationships if you don’t recognize when or why it’s happening.
How to do it:
Reflect on your past relationships. Do you see any patterns of self-sabotaging behaviors?
Keep a journal of your thoughts and feelings in your current relationships. Are you picking unnecessary fights or withdrawing when things get too intimate?
Practice mindfulness to become more aware of your emotional triggers and automatic responses.
By increasing your self-awareness, you’ll be better equipped to catch self-sabotaging behaviors in the moment and make conscious choices to act differently.
2. Heal Attachment Wounds
If you recognize that you have an anxious or avoidant attachment style, it’s important to work on healing those wounds. Attachment wounds often stem from early childhood experiences, but they don’t have to dictate your future relationships.
How to do it:
Consider working with a therapist trained in Attachment-Based Therapy or Emotionally Focused Therapy. These approaches are designed to help heal attachment wounds and foster healthier relationship patterns.
Focus on building secure attachment by practicing open communication, trust, and emotional intimacy in your relationships.
Work on self-soothing techniques to reduce anxiety and avoid impulsive behaviors driven by fear of abandonment or intimacy.
Healing attachment wounds takes time, but it’s an essential step toward building healthier, more secure relationships.
3. Communicate Effectively
Many self-sabotaging behaviors stem from unexpressed emotions or unmet needs. Learning to communicate openly and effectively can prevent those behaviors from arising in the first place.
How to do it:
Practice assertive communication. Rather than avoiding tough conversations or bottling up feelings, express your needs and concerns in a calm, respectful manner.
Focus on “I” statements (e.g., “I feel upset when...”) to avoid placing blame on your partner, which can escalate conflict.
Listen actively. Communication is a two-way street. Make sure you’re also listening to your partner’s needs and concerns.
By communicating openly, you’ll prevent misunderstandings and help your relationship grow stronger, rather than sabotaging it.
4. Set Boundaries and Practice Trust
Boundaries are essential for healthy relationships, and trust is the foundation that keeps them strong. Many people sabotage relationships because they don’t trust their partner, even when they have no reason not to.
How to do it:
Set clear boundaries in your relationships. Know what’s acceptable and what’s not, and communicate those boundaries with your partner.
Practice trusting your partner. Trust isn’t just given; it’s built through consistency and honesty. Work on letting go of unnecessary suspicions or doubts.
Avoid “testing” your partner’s love or loyalty, which often leads to unnecessary conflict and mistrust.
Learning to trust and respect boundaries is key to stopping self-sabotage and fostering a healthy relationship.
5. Practice Self-Compassion and Forgiveness
Relationship sabotage often comes from a place of insecurity or fear. It’s important to practice self-compassion when you fall into self-sabotaging patterns. You’re human, and everyone makes mistakes in relationships.
How to do it:
When you recognize self-sabotaging behaviors, forgive yourself. Be kind to yourself instead of beating yourself up.
Learn from your mistakes and use them as opportunities for growth rather than letting them define you.
Offer your partner the same grace. Relationships require forgiveness, both for yourself and your partner.
Self-compassion allows you to move forward from past mistakes and focus on building healthier, more fulfilling relationships.
Moving Toward Healthy, Fulfilling Relationships
Relationship sabotage might feel like a comfortable pattern, but it’s one that keeps you from the connection and intimacy you truly desire. By increasing self-awareness, healing attachment wounds, and practicing effective communication, trust, and self-compassion, you can break the cycle of sabotage and build stronger, healthier relationships.
Remember: relationships require vulnerability, but that vulnerability is where true connection and love are born. Breaking the cycle of self-sabotage isn’t just about saving relationships; it’s about opening yourself up to the kind of love and connection you deserve.
If you find yourself struggling with relationship sabotage or want help healing attachment wounds, visit my website at www.leveluptherapy.co to book a session. Let’s work together to build the healthy, fulfilling relationships you deserve.
References:
Bartholomew, K., & Horowitz, L. M. (1991). Attachment styles among young adults: A test of a four-category model. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 61(2), 226-244.
Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment and Loss: Vol. 1. Attachment. Basic Books.
Brown, B. (2012). Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead. Avery.
Feeney, J. A., & Noller, P. (1996). Adult Attachment. Sage Publications.
Hazan, C., & Shaver, P. (1987). Romantic love conceptualized as an attachment process. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 52(3), 511-524.
Hendrix, H. (1988). Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples. St. Martin’s Press.
Shaver, P. R., & Mikulincer, M. (2002). Attachment-related psychodynamics. Attachment & Human Development, 4(2), 133-161.
Shaver, P. R., & Hazan, C. (1987). Being lonely, falling in love: Perspectives from attachment theory. Journal of Social Behavior and Personality, 2(2), 105-124.
Comments